So I’m watching the news today and I see that the Atlantic coast has its first named tropical system of the season, Arlene. Now, Arlene is a perfectly suitable name for a woman of leisure with bad roots, seven teeth and nine cats who lives in a trailer park and smokes Marlboros like a steam engine, but for a tropical system? Really? Not acceptable.
What’s my solution? How about this…what if instead of issuing a list of the same boring names every year, the NHC (that’s what weather nerds like me get to call the National Hurricane Center, a division of the NOAA–that’s National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, keep up people!) auctioned off each letter of the alphabet to the highest bidder every year? That’s right, I’m saying what if corporations could sponsor hurricanes?
Tell me you wouldn’t be more interested in the tropics if you were watching for the potential development of Hurricane Tampax in the Eastern Caribbean? Or if you heard your local weatherman say, “It looks like Tropical Storm University of Phoenix is headed right toward South Carolina…it’s okay, they could use a little education.”
So here’s my list below of alternate names for the 2011 Hurricane Season based on who I think would have the funds and desire to secure a spot on the list:
Allstate
“You’re in good hands with Allstate…when it comes to the recovery efforts from Hurricane Allstate.”
Budweiser
“In honor of their sponsored storm, Budweiser is going to throw a huge party wherever Hurricane Bud Light hits! With special guest stars Brad Paisley and Kid Rock!”
Coke Zero
DirecTV
“Ironically, Hurricane DirecTV is going to knock out satellite signal to every DirecTV customer in South Florida.”
ExxonMobil
FedEx
“Hurricane FedEx is expected to strike Miami in 2 – 3 days, it may take more time however given the holiday rush.”
Hershey
iPad
“Apple has just announced it’s actually going to use its sponsorship to just call the storm iHurricane. A new tracking app is now available.”
JetBlue
Kinkos
Lowe’s
Microsoft
“We’re seeing something very strange with this storm, it appears that Hurricane Microsoft is actually shrouded in a swarm of bugs. Hurricane Hunters are going to fly into the storm today and drop a special patch to see if that fixes the problem, if not we’re gonna have to drop all support for this hurricane and move on to the next.”
Nike
Oprah
“YOU get a hurricane and YOU get a hurricane and YOU get a hurricane!”
Publix
Quizno’s
Ronald McDonald
“Hurricane Ronald McDonald is heading straight toward the Dominican Republic and unfortunately it’s not going to be raining Happy Meals.”
Samsung
Tampax
“Looks like it’s going to be a heavy flow day in Galveston as Tropical Storm Tampax comes ashore.”
University of Phoenix
Viagra
Walt Disney
Xfinity
“Hurricane Xfinity (formerly known as Hurricane Comcast) is expected to come ashore in Mobile sometime between eight a.m. and eight p.m. next Wednesday, prepare to spend the whole day at home waiting for this storm.”
YouTube
Zappos.com
