Southern Fiction Author, Infrequent Blogger & Retired Clown

With a flourish…

It’s 2012 people.

The apocalypse is drawing near–no, not the Mayan one in December, the one that’s going to rain down on all of us if Tebow somehow manages to pull out a victory against the Steelers on Sunday. If that happens, I can only assume the rapture will soon follow (an event I look forward to if only because the world will be relieved of short-sighted ill-informed right wing fanatics so the rest of us can stop denying the existence of dinosaurs and get down to business cleaning up our planet so that we can have a place to carry out our sins for the rest of eternity).

With the imminent possibility of a total end to the world as we know it, I’ve decided to forgo the traditional New Year’s Resolutions and instead invoke three new credos I plan to live by in 2012 (yes, that’s right, I said credo, because it sounds way cooler and more Karate Kid-ish than those icky new age words like philosophy, goal or plan):

1. Be Honest: This applies to many facets of my life and is not intended to imply that I am a liar. My honesty focus in 2012 is not so much about being honest with others (I’m pretty sure my dad would still take off his belt and whip me today if he caught me lying to someone, that lesson will not soon be forgotten), but about being honest with myself; about who I am, what I am capable of, and what I really want out of life. To all my excuses, I advise that you lace up your sneakers and take a hike.

2. Be Positive: Too often lately I’ve found myself wrapped in a heavy, sticky coating of negativity. Whether it’s getting absorbed in a friend’s drama or sulking over the state of my life (job, living arrangements, relationships, etc.), I’ve had enough of it. Life is too damn short to be angry all the time. I’m donning the rose colored glasses and on the days when they get clouded I’ll find rose colored wine glasses, fill them up, and rediscover my positive attitude. Act happy and you’ll be happy.

3. Be Pro-Active: Last November I began contemplating a major change in the direction of my career (and subsequently my life). I asked the universe for some guidance and shortly thereafter came across the card on the right. This is going to be the primary theme of 2012 for me–I’m going to get in the driver’s seat and start moving myself toward my goals instead of waiting for the universe or fate or chance or coincidence to take care of the hard work for me. I’m packing up, I’ll let you know when I’ve reached my destination.

Sidenote: What’s with the title of this blog?

Today I witnessed a woman who could have been a cast member of Real Housewives of St. Augustine: Senior Edition forget to put her Mercedes in park in front of Chili’s, leaving her husband seated helplessly in the passenger seat as their powder blue, ridiculously expensive vehicle rolled across the parking lot and slammed into another (cheaper) car.

Rather than reacting like a normal person would have–ashamed,¬†embarrassed, apologetic, etc., this woman argued with her husband (after he re-parked the car while waiting for the cops to arrive), ripped her knee-length mink coat from its hanger in the backseat with a flourish and donned her priceless warm dead animal fur (which, now that I think about it, might have been rabbit or monkey or whatever other kind of fur they make coats out of, how the hell should I know? My coats are made out of synthetic fabrics and sold at Ross.) After the ten foot walk from her car to the restaurant’s entrance (she would have frozen to death were it not for that coat I tell you), sat down at a table by herself and ordered a vodka tonic (it was her lucky day–Chili’s serves two for one drinks all day, score!).

No joke.

That happened.

I am not making up even one small detail of that story. There was an accident with no driver, a mink coat in 40 degree Florida weather and a woman drinking alcohol at 1:00 p.m. while her husband exchanged information with a Flagler College student (who I can only hope will sue Mr. and Mrs. Mercedes for enough money to pay off all of her student loans) in the parking lot.

This incident led my friends and I to contemplate a series of important questions that we will never have answers to including (but not limited to):

– Why didn’t the husband pull the emergency brake as the car began to roll backward?

– Do Mercedes Benzes (Benzi?) not have emergency brakes? (For all we know they might have replaced them in the design plan long ago in favor of a mini bar, it IS a Mercedes, come on).

– Did she order the vodka tonic so she could cover up for the fact that she’d already been drinking?

Can you get a DUI if you are not technically behind the wheel of your vehicle when it gets into an accident?

On the whole, it was a delightful experience that I was happy to witness (I’m allowed to say that, nobody got hurt) and will most definitely use in a future novel.

Alas, I am now off to locate my iPhone which I can hear but can’t seem to find…

Later days,

– Shannon



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